i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
