GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
