Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
