I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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