Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
