I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
