Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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