i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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