I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
