She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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