who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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