i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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