The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
