highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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