shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
