My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
