I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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