If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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