he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
