i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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