I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Sorry my hands just texted you
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
