I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
