Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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