Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
