remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she peed on how many people?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I touched a dick in church today
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
