my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
