I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
