By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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