I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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