I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
