Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
