true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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