I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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