Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
