Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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