some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just invented taco cereal.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
