my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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