I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
