Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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