I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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