It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
