So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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