Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I supernannyed him into submission
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
