Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
