i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
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