if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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