You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
