I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
