I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
