It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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