My nipple is on Facebook.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
