He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
