How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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