made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Be still, my beating vagina.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
