i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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