I wish my penis had an off switch
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
two words...techno handjob
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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