EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
