y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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