seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.