i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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