I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
