Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
