Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
