I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
